Maybe it’s something that’s intrinsic to my personality. Or, maybe it’s the way that I was raised or the people that I surrounded myself with. Or maybe it’s my educators and work colleagues that have affected my self-doubt and self-confidence.
My sense of self-doubt and lack of self-confidence has always been a consistent weakness that I’ve struggled with throughout my life. I’ve always felt like I had imposter syndrome,
“anxiety or self-doubt that results from persistently undervaluing one’s competence and active role in achieving success, while falsely attributing one’s accomplishments to luck or other external forces.”
Definition of Imposter Syndrome from Dictionary.com
and that I wasn’t good enough or had a sense of high value. Perhaps it was due to a lack of empowerment given to me by those I’ve looked up to in my life.
When I was younger and would be registered in piano competitions or Chinese school competitions, I always joked to my parents that I was so consistently second. Many of the awards that are sitting on my book shelf display ‘second place.’ Those awards may have demonstrated where I belonged in life. Second place. This mentality stuck with me through my school years, as I constantly strived to succeed, but to ensure that I was never at the very top, but always right under it or next to it. I never tried hard to advocate for myself that I was deserving of first place and that I could be at the very top. I was always happy and even enjoyed being second. whether that be vice-president, or a co-president, I was always satisfied with just that.
It was only after school when I started working that I realized that maybe this way of thinking has been holding me back. I think my sense of self-doubt has been ingrained in me and has driven me to believe that I should keep my head down and to not question or challenge those that are in a position above me. To accept what was given to me and to be grateful that I was even offered something to begin with. When I was recently put in a situation where I was unhappy, I had a push from someone close to me to voice it and ask for something better. Had I been on my own, I probably would not have the courage to express my unsatisfaction and would have simply accepted the outcome as ‘good enough.’ However, because of this moment of courage, I was able to receive a better outcome that I was happy with.
I’ve recently been experiencing in-congruency between my true self and true feelings and how I present myself to others. I’ve been unhappy with many things and have simply not shown or speak up about these things to the respective people. I think I have a hard time with confrontation, as I always just want peace and for things to work out. But I realized that no one is a mind reader. You have to tell people what you want in order to have a slight possibility of them giving it to you. The worst thing someone can say to you is no. That fear of hearing the word ‘no’ is what’s holding you back from speaking up.
I’ve also realized that I need to re-evaluate my self worth and understand the value that I bring to the world and to those around me. It’s not fair of me to consistently put myself last because I don’t see my true value. I’ll always be unhappy with myself if this is how I keep living my life. I need to set boundaries with myself about what I tolerate from others and where I am strict with them.
My lack of self-confidence has impacted one of my most important relationships in my life. I’ve held myself back from speaking my mind confidently which has in turn made me prioritize my self-doubt over this relationship. And that’s simply not right. I can’t keep hurting those around me because I’m selfish. That’s right, it’s selfish. To make choices driven by self-doubt that can hurt others is simply just selfish. And I vow to learn from my mistakes and stop doing that as much as I can.
Besides hurting others, my decisions that are driven by my self-doubt hurt myself. If I’m unhappy and don’t express myself, I’ll never truly find that satisfaction and my unhappiness will simply build up overtime before I reach my limit and overflow with anger and frustration over myself and the situations I’ve led myself to. It’s easy for me to praise myself and explain my worth to those that are close to me and those who already believe in me. But to try to make others who don’t know me on that level to understand that, is truly an obstacle for me. I know that I need to start doing this or else I’ll just keep being upset with the situations I’ve put myself in.
Speak up. The worst they can say is no. At least you know that you’ve tried.
